13 Dec 09 Datings a Drag…
“If I wouldn’t had just started seeing this guy seriously earlier this week, I would had totally taken you home and had sex with you.”
That ISN’T how the night started. It is technically where it ended, at least in my mind. Last night I went out with this very cute Russian guy I had met on Loopt Mix. (For the non-tech savvy, Loopt is a way of updating where you are so you know where your friends are and vice versa. Loopt Mix is a spin off where you can look for people of similar interests nearby, be it dating, friendship, sex, etc.) We decided to grab drinks at Marlena’s first, and set the time for 6:30. He had asked if 6 or 6:30 was better, I choose the later as I wasn’t sure how it would go.
I wasn’t really excited for the date, as I’ve recently as this week kinda stopped seeing/hanging out with/whatever (he is a whole novel wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma…and all for another day.) So, he was on my mind still and I didn’t have high expectations for the date. I’ve only been on 10 of them, and all of them 1st dates with 10 different guys…I don’t have much success.
I get there at 6:15 so I am early, but oh well. He texts me and informs me he won’t be there until 7, so now my 15 minutes early has turned into 45 minutes of waiting and well…drinking.
He shows up in bleached blonde hair; now this guy from earlier in the week I previously mentioned kept bugging me to dye my hair back to bleached blonde, and I did. LUCKILY, in a purging process, I dyed it back the night before the date to its natural dirty blonde. It would had just been silly two bleached blondes on a date. The conversation was okay…he talked a lot, and I laughed b/c I was nervous and wasn’t sure what to say.
We went to Katya Smirnoff-Skyy’s new stage show Katya’s Holiday Spectacular, and the two people in all of San Francisco who can’t stand me, and I’ve tried to reconcile with, are also in the crowd. Fuck my life. They also both know my date and start conversing with him, totally ignoring me as per usual. Fuck my life. The show was amazing, did I mention he is Russian, so seeing Katya, who plays a Russian red headed Countess with an amazing classically trained voice is even more special. He also has done drag and stood in when Katya couldn’t make it before.
The night continues and we head back to Marlena’s for a night of drag, music, booze, etc. We are now having a great time, being a bit flirty, tipsy, etc. Things weren’t going spectacular, but going well none the less.
Here is where I have to blame myself for being in the wrong. There was this really cute 21yr old guy with shaggy blonde hair, who he and I kept passing glances at each other. I couldn’t really do anything, but he followed me into the bathroom later on in the night. We talked for quite some time, exchanged information, and briefly kissed. BAD NICK, but okay whatever…the other guy never had a clue.
The bar is closing, and we hop in his car off to who knows where. Everything is closing, so we rush to the liquor store and grab a bottle of wine. While in the car outside talking, he says…
“If I wouldn’t had just started seeing this guy seriously earlier this week, I would had totally taken you home and had sex with you.”
Okay, so let’s be honest, sex is great, amazing, wonderful, fun, exciting, etc,
but I am looking for a boyfriend. I didn’t really want to have sex on the first date…this is my new strategy on trying to get a 2nd date. Oh well…so he’s got this other guy…great. Now he is like, do you want to go to The Endup. I’ve never ended up there before, so I figure what the hell. On the way there, he picks up this guy he is seeing. WHAT THE FUCK? Awkward, right? Fuck my life.
We go to The Endup, pay the $20 cover, and go in. I wasn’t having any of this night any longer, so I sneak off outside when they are making out, and hop in a cab back to the weekly rental hotel I’m staying at this week, and off to bed.
Fuck my life.
Tags: date, drag show, Endup, Loopt Mix, Marlenas, nick starr, sf
19 Oct 09 Being (a better) Nick Starr
I have had a number of people ask me where I’ve been the past few weeks online, as I am posting to Twitter and Facebook far less than I previously had. I’ve been hanging out with someone new in my life (please don’t get excited, my ‘never had a second date with a guy curse‘ still stands), and he has unknowingly had a large impact on how I think about things.
When we first met, he was already following me on Twitter and sent me a message that he ran into me on the Muni one day. After hanging out for a while, he got to know the ‘real me’ and see beyond what is just online. I started to realize that he expected me to break down or jump of a bridge at a moments notice, and didn’t like that he had already had those thoughts in the back of his head about who I was based solely what he read online.
So, I’ve been posting less, trying to post more positive things, and cut out the negativity. It is difficult to find someone to spend time with and get to know on a deeper level (anywhere you go, but it seems to be especially true in the gay community and in San Francisco). I don’t want to start off things 10 steps behind because of something they read online or heard about me from a friend.
So I am trying to ‘re-image’ myself, and get rid of the negativity from my life. I am not going to tolerate seeing negative posts and comments on my Facebook account, and will be removing people who want to push their negativity upon me.
I am also closer than ever to getting my Nick Tuck surgeries, and estimate that I will be able to afford them this upcoming January, well within my goal of getting it done before I turn 30. I am very excited about this and look forward to completing the transformation I started over 2 years ago when I first moved to San Francisco to discover myself and become the best version of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc) that I can be.
Tags: better, change, gay, negativity, Nick Tuck, nicks tuck, positive, san francisco, sf, surgery, Twitter
19 Jun 09 Sometimes Diet Isn’t Enough
As long as I can remember…which more likely the first I had ever heard of it, I’ve always wanted to have liposuction. Growing up I never fit in the regular sized clothes…I remember my mom buying me size huskies. In 4th grade I got a new notepad which said, “lil chubby” on the front since it was small and thick…and showed it to my teacher, who literally said, “a fat little notebook for a fat little kid.”
That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.
I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).
Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.
I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.
I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…
I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.
This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.
Tags: body tuck, fat, full body tuck, Homeless, lipo, liposuction, overweight, san francisco, sf, tummy tuck
04 Jan 09 Dinner, Water, & Diet Coke
Last night this guy who I’ve sort of known off and on for a little while now asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. We had sort of tentatively made plans to go out for drinks the night before, but I ended up in Berkeley Friday night with other friends, and couldn’t make it. I suggest this place in The Castro called Brandy Ho’s around 8pm (btw not a good idea for a dinner if you are going to be out all night, as it sets heavy on your stomach). The conversation was great and we had a good time getting to know each other.
My friend Martina and I were talking earlier in the day when I was deciding if I wanted to go. I sort of thought the guy was attractive, but felt like I might be forcing myself to like him if things didn’t go well because I want a relationship, or as Marcus says, “I’m relationship orientated.” Actually Marcus said that about Andy (the guy from last night).
After dinner we go to The Mix and it is really loud. I’m getting over a cold and with the loud noise, I had to speak louder then normal, and wound up nearly losing my voice by the end of the night. Here at The Mix is where things started to go downhill. He would mention this guy or that guy was hot, and I sort of just brushed it off, or was like, oh yeah I guess…. Well this didn’t stop there.
Oh let me explain the title of this post. I sort of went off my diet between Christmas day and New Year’s…so I decided to re-start the induction phase of Atkins, which means no more then 20 carbs a day, and no BAD carbs..aka beer. I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol at all, and can only barely stand the taste of beer & wine, so when I go out that is what I drink. I haven’t had a drink in about a week now, so I’ve been drinking diet coke and water when I go out.
We head to The Lookout for Social Club and blow right by the $4 cover as we were on the list and knew the promoter. Some other friends were there including Marcus, Aaron, and a number of other people. Andy is drinking vodka cran’s all night and I don’t mind while I’m drinking my waters and diet cokes. It was very busy at The Lookout with tons of hot guys, and Andy kept pointing that out.
Subplot: I ran into this guy at The Lookout who I apparently I had spoken with during a party at The Castro Street Fair. I unfortunately couldn’t remember him, but we talked for a few minutes and he seemed like a really nice guy…and cute.
Andy late in the night (around 1am) tells me he wants to go to Badlands because…AND I QUOTE, “I can tell I am not going to meet anyone here tonight.” Now here is where the evening really took a turn for the worse. Marcus had asked me when we go to The Lookout how it was going, 1 being OMG AMAZING, and 5 being shoot me now. I said 2 at the time…once Andy said this, I texted Marcus and said that the evening, “turned into a 4.”
We head to Badlands and it is packed, but not nearly as many hot guys. Andy gets pretty drunk at this point…while I’m drinking my water…and by the end of the night wants to dance…I barely dance when I’m drunk…sober, not going to happen. I go out to the dance area and stand there while he dances a bit, then sees a guy and goes over to start talking him up. I think the night is pretty much at level 5 now. He does a shot at last call and some guy buys him another one right after that. Him and this other guy (not even the one he was talking to) are now DRUNK.
Back to the subplot: While I was walking out, the guy from The Lookout was leaving Badlands as well. We talk for a bit and he says, “enjoy later tonight.” I explain to him that there I am going home alone tonight..and won’t be going home with Andy whatsoever. He says he is too, now we are being shuffled out the door, and I jokingly say, “oh really? Where do you live?” He was already out the door and I really had to go to the bathroom so I run back and go….STUPID ME! I should of gone out side and at least gotten his number. He was with this other guy all night, and I guess they were just friends by his last comment. I didn’t realize that until then, hence why I wasn’t more outgoing earlier. Hopefully I will see this guy again….
Well after I leave the bathroom I see Andy and this other drunk guy still inside. I am outside now, trying to find the guy who I was was mentioned in the subplot. I see the 33 bus coming and realize it will take me 3 blocks from home…it is REALLY cold last night and I didn’t feel like walking the 1 mile home, so I run to catch the bus and head home.
Andy texts me asking where I was…I said I was heading home…It seemed like I was a fall back if he didn’t find someone else. I didn’t really like that feeling, and while my actions with subplot guy were friendly, they weren’t out of line like the comments Andy was making all night.
He texted me this morning, and literally 10 seconds ago asking what I was up to. I think I’m going to hit up the gym then who knows what. I am sort of proud of myself that I didn’t say, ehh it is just sex and go home with Andy anyway.
Well…until my next “dinner” I guess…although they are unfortunately too few and far between.
Tags: andy, badlands, brandy ho, dinner, gay, marcus, night out, out, sf, social club, the castro, the lookout
31 Dec 08 2008…The Year of Transformations
Two thousand eight…2008….wow what a year. I don’t even know where to begin. I started the year off…well I don’t even remember what I did for New Year’s Eve last year. The year started off though for me when I joined a gym and actually started going for real. I set a goal in February to change my life and body and come down from my all time high weight of 220-230 down to 160 within 120 days. This was surprisingly not as difficult as I would of thought, and while I still hate doing the weights at the gym, cardio is something I am less scared of now. I met my goal ahead of schedule, in time for the 2008 San Francisco Pride fest.
Speaking of which, I also finally came out this year. It was one of the scariest few weeks of my life as I drafted my email/post which I would send to my family and friends, and post on the site here. I got a reply from my mom a few hours before I had planned on posting it on the site and to my shock they took it a lot better then I would of thought.
It was one of the biggest reliefs after I hit submit ever. It was like a weight lifted, and I finally feel free to be myself without trying to hide who I am.
I got to travel quite a bit this year as well. I went to Toronto, Chicago, Milwaukee, Las Vegas, Seattle, Los Angeles, and back to where I grew up in Tampa Bay, Florida to see my family for the first time since I moved out to San Francisco nearly a year and half ago.
HA! I also finally cut my hair, after years of growing it out and thinking that it looked good…wow was I blind or who knows what. It really was a transformational year for me. Quite a lot of changes, and hopefully 2009 will lead to more changes.
I am really proud of myself and accomplishing nearly everything I set out to do in 2008. In 2009 I want to set some tougher goals and hope that I can be as successful. I want to not just lose weight, but tone up and get over my dread of working weights at the gym. I want to more then double what I can bench press, which isn’t much at all, and have a body I am proud to show off when I head to Gay Days Disneyworld in June. I also REALLY need to get my finances in line. I am looking to getting a second job part time in order to help jump start this process, but I would really like to set aside 25% of my paycheck into a savings account, and build up a few month buffer as a ‘rainy day fund.’ Right now I am literally living payday advance to payday advance and often have little to no money by the time it is time to pay bills.
Also a sort of major thing for me is to get out more (I know I go out to bars all the time, but I mean in other venues), and go out on dates which hopefully will lead to a relationship. I have been single since 2002, when I was living with a girlfriend in Portland, Oregon. A lot in my life has changed since then, and I would like to share my life with someone else. I’ve signed up for 6 months on Chemistry.com (for $159) and hope this jump starts the process. I might sign up for Match.com as I sort of have become not a fan of the way Chemistry.com works by sending you only a select few matches.
I also want to develop friendships in 2009. I have a TON of “friends” as I see it. Plenty of people I see at various parties, clubs, bars, etc who know me and vice versa
and the conversation is always small talk yet nothing of substance. Sometimes it is nothing more then a, “Hey…” I really feel as if I don’t have any REAL friends here though. I want to develop friendships hopefully with some of the people already in my life, but also others who I might not know yet. I really feel alone here in San Francisco at times, like there is no one who KNOWS me. I know that a lot people who read my stuff online know more then anything my “friends” here know about me. I don’t even think a single one of my gay “friends” know that I lived in my car for over a year, or any of the other major events which have shaped my life. It really is depressing at times feeling so alone in a city where I know so many people.
Well that was my 2008, and hopes and dreams for 2009. I hope that I can be as successful this upcoming year as I was last. Regardless I’m sure that there will be no shortage of stories and exciting adventures which I will be sure to write about here as well as on Twitter (my microblog). I look forward to seeing what the future has in store.
Tags: 2008, 2009, coming out, gay, gym, new year, new years eve, nye, pride, san francisco, sf, toronto, travel, weight, weightloss
