19 Oct 09 Being (a better) Nick Starr
I have had a number of people ask me where I’ve been the past few weeks online, as I am posting to Twitter and Facebook far less than I previously had. I’ve been hanging out with someone new in my life (please don’t get excited, my ‘never had a second date with a guy curse‘ still stands), and he has unknowingly had a large impact on how I think about things.
When we first met, he was already following me on Twitter and sent me a message that he ran into me on the Muni one day. After hanging out for a while, he got to know the ‘real me’ and see beyond what is just online. I started to realize that he expected me to break down or jump of a bridge at a moments notice, and didn’t like that he had already had those thoughts in the back of his head about who I was based solely what he read online.
So, I’ve been posting less, trying to post more positive things, and cut out the negativity. It is difficult to find someone to spend time with and get to know on a deeper level (anywhere you go, but it seems to be especially true in the gay community and in San Francisco). I don’t want to start off things 10 steps behind because of something they read online or heard about me from a friend.
So I am trying to ‘re-image’ myself, and get rid of the negativity from my life. I am not going to tolerate seeing negative posts and comments on my Facebook account, and will be removing people who want to push their negativity upon me.
I am also closer than ever to getting my Nick Tuck surgeries, and estimate that I will be able to afford them this upcoming January, well within my goal of getting it done before I turn 30. I am very excited about this and look forward to completing the transformation I started over 2 years ago when I first moved to San Francisco to discover myself and become the best version of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc) that I can be.
Tags: better, change, gay, negativity, Nick Tuck, nicks tuck, positive, san francisco, sf, surgery, Twitter
19 Jun 09 Sometimes Diet Isn’t Enough
As long as I can remember…which more likely the first I had ever heard of it, I’ve always wanted to have liposuction. Growing up I never fit in the regular sized clothes…I remember my mom buying me size huskies. In 4th grade I got a new notepad which said, “lil chubby” on the front since it was small and thick…and showed it to my teacher, who literally said, “a fat little notebook for a fat little kid.”
That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.
I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).
Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.
I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.
I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…
I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.
This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.
Tags: body tuck, fat, full body tuck, Homeless, lipo, liposuction, overweight, san francisco, sf, tummy tuck
31 Dec 08 2008…The Year of Transformations
Two thousand eight…2008….wow what a year. I don’t even know where to begin. I started the year off…well I don’t even remember what I did for New Year’s Eve last year. The year started off though for me when I joined a gym and actually started going for real. I set a goal in February to change my life and body and come down from my all time high weight of 220-230 down to 160 within 120 days. This was surprisingly not as difficult as I would of thought, and while I still hate doing the weights at the gym, cardio is something I am less scared of now. I met my goal ahead of schedule, in time for the 2008 San Francisco Pride fest.
Speaking of which, I also finally came out this year. It was one of the scariest few weeks of my life as I drafted my email/post which I would send to my family and friends, and post on the site here. I got a reply from my mom a few hours before I had planned on posting it on the site and to my shock they took it a lot better then I would of thought.
It was one of the biggest reliefs after I hit submit ever. It was like a weight lifted, and I finally feel free to be myself without trying to hide who I am.
I got to travel quite a bit this year as well. I went to Toronto, Chicago, Milwaukee, Las Vegas, Seattle, Los Angeles, and back to where I grew up in Tampa Bay, Florida to see my family for the first time since I moved out to San Francisco nearly a year and half ago.
HA! I also finally cut my hair, after years of growing it out and thinking that it looked good…wow was I blind or who knows what. It really was a transformational year for me. Quite a lot of changes, and hopefully 2009 will lead to more changes.
I am really proud of myself and accomplishing nearly everything I set out to do in 2008. In 2009 I want to set some tougher goals and hope that I can be as successful. I want to not just lose weight, but tone up and get over my dread of working weights at the gym. I want to more then double what I can bench press, which isn’t much at all, and have a body I am proud to show off when I head to Gay Days Disneyworld in June. I also REALLY need to get my finances in line. I am looking to getting a second job part time in order to help jump start this process, but I would really like to set aside 25% of my paycheck into a savings account, and build up a few month buffer as a ‘rainy day fund.’ Right now I am literally living payday advance to payday advance and often have little to no money by the time it is time to pay bills.
Also a sort of major thing for me is to get out more (I know I go out to bars all the time, but I mean in other venues), and go out on dates which hopefully will lead to a relationship. I have been single since 2002, when I was living with a girlfriend in Portland, Oregon. A lot in my life has changed since then, and I would like to share my life with someone else. I’ve signed up for 6 months on Chemistry.com (for $159) and hope this jump starts the process. I might sign up for Match.com as I sort of have become not a fan of the way Chemistry.com works by sending you only a select few matches.
I also want to develop friendships in 2009. I have a TON of “friends” as I see it. Plenty of people I see at various parties, clubs, bars, etc who know me and vice versa
and the conversation is always small talk yet nothing of substance. Sometimes it is nothing more then a, “Hey…” I really feel as if I don’t have any REAL friends here though. I want to develop friendships hopefully with some of the people already in my life, but also others who I might not know yet. I really feel alone here in San Francisco at times, like there is no one who KNOWS me. I know that a lot people who read my stuff online know more then anything my “friends” here know about me. I don’t even think a single one of my gay “friends” know that I lived in my car for over a year, or any of the other major events which have shaped my life. It really is depressing at times feeling so alone in a city where I know so many people.
Well that was my 2008, and hopes and dreams for 2009. I hope that I can be as successful this upcoming year as I was last. Regardless I’m sure that there will be no shortage of stories and exciting adventures which I will be sure to write about here as well as on Twitter (my microblog). I look forward to seeing what the future has in store.
Tags: 2008, 2009, coming out, gay, gym, new year, new years eve, nye, pride, san francisco, sf, toronto, travel, weight, weightloss
22 Sep 08 1 Year San Franniversary
It was one year ago today when I arrived in San Francisco. It has been quite a journey over the past year. I started off living in my car, having everything I own stolen, getting a job about 25 miles north of the city, moving into an apartment, moving back into my car, moving to the city, coming out, getting a job within a few blocks from my apartment, lost 70 pounds, and having my car get broken into for the 3rd and 4th time where it got stolen and torched. It’s been a rough and very bumpy ride, but I wouldn’t exchange the past year of my life for anything.Â
I remember seeing online all the cool events, people, and things to do and see in San Francisco while living back in Tampa Bay, Florida. I was so jealous of all the stuff I was missing out on. San Francisco is the hub of so many things I am passionate about and enjoy it felt like a perfect fit to move out here. I wasn’t working a full time job, just contract jobs and I had nothing really holding me back besides family and 1-2 close friends. I packed up everything I owned into my car, which pretty much was already packed that way..and drove out here a few days after my brother’s wedding.Â
Even the trip out here was filled with disasters, but I continued on and made it across the country in about a week, with some stops along the way for a few days here and there. It was a personal experience by myself which I won’t soon forget and I think everyone should do a cross country road trip by yourself at least once. You learn so much about yourself when all you have is 3,000 miles of road in front of you.Â
I remember driving over the Bay Bridge when I saw San Francisco (at the time I thought I was crossing the Golden Gate). I got out a dollar in change ready to pay the toll, when to my surprise I saw it was FOUR DOLLARS to get across the bridge. The biggest toll I’ve ever paid is $1 to get across the 5.5 mile Sunshine Skyway bridge. That was the first of MANY sticker shocks I have come across living in this very expensive city.Â
It hasn’t been easy at all, but I feel like this is where I was meant to be. I had a dream nightmare dream the other night where I lost everything and was forced to move back to Florida. When I got back to Florida, it didn’t feel like home anymore, and all I could think about was trying to get back here. I woke up upset because I simply didn’t want to leave.Â
Along the way, I’ve met so many amazing people and developed some great friendships. Back in Florida I had but one friend who I would ever see and that was quite rarely. Here, there are so many people who I can see out and about and hang out with nearly every night of the week. I’ve always been sort of introverted and never really had a large group of friends who I can count on and talk to. I still don’t quite have that here, but I know a ton of great people who, while even though I may not even have their phone number or go to a movie/dinner with, I know that they are there if I really needed someone.Â
That being said, this has been one of the greatest years of my life and I’m happy I can be me. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am able to express myself and live the life I’ve always wanted in a city where I feel at home. There is still so much more to see and do here, and I look forward to many more adventures and friendships along the way…in my new home, San Francisco.
Tags: anniversary, ca, california, fl, florida, move, san francisco, sf
11 Sep 08 It’s My Birthday!!!
I’ve almost been in San Francisco one year, and this is the only holiday I haven’t celebrated yet in my new home. Come out if you anywhere nearby and celebrate with me and my friends at one of 4…YES 4 birthday celebrations I will be at tonight & Saturday!Â
Today September 11th (my 23rd birthday for the 5th time)
First there is Mager’s Birthday Party – His real birthday is on September 10th but we are co-celebrating on the 11th.Â
Time: 6:00pm – 9:00pm September 11th
Location: Ducca
Street: 50 3rd St, right between Mission and Market
RSVP:Â http://tinyurl.com/nicks28Party1
2nd party: The Omnisio Founders (open bar)
Time: 7:00pm – 10:00pm September 11th
Location: Pink
Street: 2925 16th Street
RSVP:Â http://tinyurl.com/nicks28
3rd party: Nick’s Official Party
Time: 10:00pm – 2:00am, September 11th
Location: Badlands
Street: 4121 18th St
This is the one you SHOULD come to! Its going to be all of my friends coming out and celebrating and just having a good time drinking and dancing.Â
RSVP:Â http://tinyurl.com/Nick28Badlands
Saturday – The recovery
4th Party: The Mimosa Factory
Time: 10:00am – 5:00pm Saturday September 13th
Location: Sugar Cafe
Street: 679 Sutter
RSVP:Â http://tinyurl.com/MimosaParty
This is the official calm after the storm party. Come and chill out and enjoy $10 unlimited mimosas as we invade this amazing space for drinks, brunch and a great time.Â
I’d love to see you at one, two or all four of the events!!!
Tags: 28, birthday, ca, california, celebration, happy birthday, party, san francisco, sf
