Ask me anything here

I’ve been a bit more depressed more than normal recently, but other than that things are same old same old. If things don’t line up with the money, I won’t be able to have Nick Tuck until March due to a scheduling conflict at work.

Well …. yeah … Have a good…. day off work.

[Short URL via Bit.ly]

When we first met, he was already following me on Twitter and sent me a message that he ran into me on the Muni one day. After hanging out for a while, he got to know the ‘real me’ and see beyond what is just online. I started to realize that he expected me to break down or jump of a bridge at a moments notice, and didn’t like that he had already had those thoughts in the back of his head about who I was based solely what he read online.

So, I’ve been posting less, trying to post more positive things, and cut out the negativity. It is difficult to find someone to spend time with and get to know on a deeper level (anywhere you go, but it seems to be especially true in the gay community and in San Francisco). I don’t want to start off things 10 steps behind because of something they read online or heard about me from a friend.

So I am trying to ‘re-image’ myself, and get rid of the negativity from my life. I am not going to tolerate seeing negative posts and comments on my Facebook account, and will be removing people who want to push their negativity upon me.

I am also closer than ever to getting my Nick Tuck surgeries, and estimate that I will be able to afford them this upcoming January, well within my goal of getting it done before I turn 30. I am very excited about this and look forward to completing the transformation I started over 2 years ago when I first moved to San Francisco to discover myself and become the best version of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc) that I can be.

I am sick of people trying to blame me exclusively for not being able to get a second date with a guy…so let me run down my history of dating thus far with guys. This is a list of guy’s I’ve legitimately gone out with and we both knew it was a real date.

Michael P- I talked to Michael online, bumped into him at a bar one night, etc. I was never really that attracted to him in the end, plus sexually we weren’t a match, well at least I thought so. We hung out for a while because our friends were mostly the same and we ended up in the same places together. We went out on our own but ultimately I wasn’t into him and we weren’t dating/exclusive/etc and I hooked up with someone else and that is how that ended.

Jovan - A hookup which lead to a dinner, and no where else. I didn’t even want to go on the dinner with him.

Junior - He passed out in the bathroom of the cocktail mixer we were attending because he was on a number of drugs at the time. I tried contacting him numerous times after this, and eventually heard from him months and months later. Something about a rough time in his life, embarrassed because of what happened, etc.

Ben - Ben and I went and had a great time together at this tech event at 21st Amendment. We heard about this other party thru a friend, and with this friend headed to the other party. The next morning the host of the party and my iPhone were missing. Ben was blamed, I was blamed, it turned into this huge controversy online, police were called to question Ben if he took the phones, and after that he wanted no part of hanging out with ‘my friends’ or people like that at the party who would blame him simply b/c they didn’t know him. To this day no one knows who took the phones, as they were ‘anonymously returned.’

Michael D- Michael was the closest to a …well…I don’t even know. When we first met we hooked up, we would see each other nearly every day, but it was more as friends. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold hands, we never had sex again. In the end we hated each other and no longer talk.

Alfredo - He was such a great guy. We hung out and while we did end up having sex on the first date, we still talked and things seemed to be going well. He invited me out to brunch a few days later, which one might think would be a date, but it was to tell me that he was accepted to college in Santa Barbara, and would be leaving in the next few weeks, and didn’t want to get emotionally involved in a situation where he knew he would be leaving.

Dawson - We hung out and had a great evening. Later on that night, after we had parted ways, I find out that he had a great evening the night previously with my neighbor. I’m not sure if he found out that I knew he was going out on dates with multiple people or not, and I did hear that he changed rehab programs and was staying in a different rehab facility, but never heard from him after that.

So it isn’t like I’m saying something stupid to scare these people away…it just hasn’t ended up working out. Things seem to come up which screw up what could be a good thing, but alas maybe that is fate, and maybe I am destined to just be single forever, but don’t say that is MUST be my fault, and that I always sleep with the guy on the first date.

[Updated Feb 24th]

Jim - Jim started following me online around Pride 2009, where I had a very large break down mentally. Not the best time for a possible boyfriend to start reading about your life. One day he saw me on the Muni, and sent me an email on Facebook later that day. We hung out a few weeks later just as friends, getting to know each other, etc. He was kinda seeing this other guy at the time, and I didn’t want to impose or be a “home wrecker.” Our friendship blossomed, and we held hands one day. A few days later, I asked him out on a date. He said yes, and I remember him saying he enjoyed bowling. We went bowling on our date, grabbed ice cream, and just enjoyed each other’s company. A few days later, he said that this couldn’t continue due to a number of concerns he had. We stayed friends, and things eventually became romantic again, then he stopped it again…this happened about five more times (thus far as of writing this on Feb 24th). Every time with us getting close, sometimes kissing, sometimes more, sometimes less, and then almost as if he were to awake from some dream, his feelings would just as suddenly snap, and he wouldn’t even want to be friends. Jim is the closest I’ve gotten to any one person in San Francisco, and quite honestly since my best friend in high school over 10 years ago. I am uncertain of the future we have as friends, but I am hopeful that eventually we can work past these feelings we have and be friends.

Adam In Toronto – I met him the first night of a work trip in Toronto in the beginning of November 2009, we talked at The Barn and I ran into a guy I met the previous Toronto Trip, Phil. Adam and I hit it off and hung out every day while I was up there. We finally went out on our first and last date a few hours before I had to fly back to San Francisco. We sat down, had dinner, talked about our lives, goals, etc, but alas he lives in Canada, and I can’t immigrate there. He did come to San Francisco a few months later in February 2010 for 3 days, but things weren’t as we both remembered them, and it was a very strained trip…no dates, just showing him around SF and trying to not kill each other. We remain friends and hopefully will be able to stay that way for life, as for a relationship, I don’t see it in the works.

Leo - You can read all about the date with Leo here…let’s just say that he was already seeing someone else at the time, and at one point in the date even had him join us. Epic fail (on his and my part to be honest).

In all of this, every single guy…I’ve been the person asking them out on a date. I’ve never in my entire life been asked out. That fact alone makes me realize that Nick/Tuck, and maybe in the future moving to a new city is something I might need…yet another new start and lease on life. Who knows what the future hold, but I am almost certain given my track wreck record, it isn’t anything good, and most certainly doesn’t involved someone who cares or loves me.

Right now my life and the progression of it seems like it is stalled…its like this horrific vicious circle that I can’t get out of.

I can’t get a boyfriend, why?
Because I am fat and have loose skin whereas, why?
Because I lost a bunch of weight, but still don’t look like what I look like, why?
Because I can’t get a guy to go out with me or sleep with me more than once (and/or get a boyfriend), why?
… and so on and so on …

First let me remind you that I don’t subscribe to the whole “you can’t get someone to like you if you don’t like yourself first,” and I’ve detailed my thoughts on that here (so don’t even try to use that excuse).

Well I am breaking the circle. I am doing something about feeling better about myself, and how I look. That is why I am moving out of my apartment onto the streets of San Francisco in order to save up money for my surgery to get rid of the excess skin, fat and glands which are preventing me from looking like a normal citizen of the gay 20-something culture in San Francisco.

Do you agree? I doubt it, but look at it from my perspective. My 20′s are more going than coming these days. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend, relationship with a guy, or so much as TWO dates with a guy who I liked or liked me. These are ALL things that every single person my age who I hang around with in SF have accomplished.

I see a fixable solution to my circle, and I am taking it. I am doing what needs to be done in order to accomplish my goals the fastest way I know. I’ve now had a few friends suggest that I sell my body for money in order to reach my goals faster. I don’t think they understand….I HATE MY BODY! My BODY has gotten me no where in terms of guys wanting to be with me after they see me nekkid once. Why on earth would someone pay to be with me, when I can’t even get someone to be with me more than once on my own?

Anyway, this is my decision. I am sticking to it for as long as I can. It is going to be a rough road ahead, but I look forward to looking back in a few months from now and realizing that the journey, no matter how rough, difficult, and unconventional it may be, will be worth it.

My ENTIRE life I have been overweight, fat, picked on, teased, mocked, etc. My parents in 2nd grade started to take me to a therapist to talk about the bullies at school. This was not the first nor the last time I was in a shrink’s chair.

Throughout grade school I saw another doctor or two for talk therapy…the only thing which stopped the bullies and the people picking on me was moving to a school where no one knew me, and I could start over fresh.

After high school I became even more suicidal and depressed. I moved to Alabama with this girl I was seeing, but didn’t really like when I was around age 21. When we separated and she stole all the money out of my bank account, I walked in front of a Semi only to be saved by my room mate. My parents came up and brought me back home to stay with them. A few days later my mom tells me that she called bill collectors and made payment arrangements for me…something I didn’t ask her to do, nor did I ever plan on paying them back. I didn’t know what to say so I gave her the silent treatment on the ride home from work.

She called both my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started to see and they had me put in the mental ward as they thought I had blanked out like I did when I walked in front of the semi. I hadn’t and was just mad at my mom…now was even more pissed b/c she got me locked up for about 3 weeks.

This wasn’t the first nor the last trip to the mental ward. There were numerous trips over the next few months & years. I saw more doctors outside of the hospital…I tried so many combinations of pills all of which had no effect on me or my mental state. Talk therapy didn’t work…locking me up didn’t work (I literally escaped on 2 or 3 occasions…once I got so far as to hop in a cab in the hospital parking lot, but the rush of hospital workers pouring out of the hospital to try to get me stopped the cabbie.)

I have been so screwed up for my entire life. Hell the New York Times even published a story of my suicidal ideations in relation to Twitter. I’ve been in and out of mental wards, in and out of so many doctors couches for therapy my entire life…it just doesn’t help.

Since moving to San Francisco and being able to feel free about who I am and come out, I have been healthier…mentally and physically. I lost 100lbs since I moved out here and have really only had one major suicidal outbreak, although the thought still plagues my thoughts most nights.

As I mentioned before…as long as I knew of such a thing, I wanted weight loss surgery. I LOST 100 POUNDS ON MY OWN…BY GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING RIGHT. I am sick of people telling me, “just go to the gym” or “just eat right” …I FUCKING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 100 pounds of weight loss to prove it you assholes. I now also have skin left over from being overweight my entire fucking life. I want to get rid of that, and I need to (both for my physical state, but also for my mental state).

So don’t fucking tell me to just go to the gym or start dieting…I have…and don’t tell me to just seek help…it doesn’t work. I will live my own life, you live yours.

That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.

I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).

Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.

I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.

I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…

I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.

This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.

I have been single since 2002, when I was dating this girl (yes a girl) who was married and had children, but was in the beginning stages of a divorce. It was a VERY messy breakup, and things went horrifically wrong. The girl and I were ….well let me explain this first. I am VERY codependent. In this girlfriend I found someone who was like me in more ways than I ever imagined possible. Ultimately it didn’t work out, and we separated. I moved back to Florida and moved on with my life. 

Before 2002 and this girlfriend, not during, but after the breakup I have been attracted to men and gone on to do things with other guys. This is really no secret, but the entire time which I have been attracted to guys, not ONCE have I had a boyfriend. Now the last relationship was in 2002. Here is where I get pissed off when people say, “Sometimes you need to stop looking.” Since 2002….SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, I have gone through periods of REALLY doing anything I could to get in a relationship, and MANY times where I just couldn’t be bothered with one. Hell I lived in my car for over a year, and that entire time there was no way that I was looking for a relationship. So…by your “logic” when I’m not looking I am bound to find a relationship…WRONG!

Okay, let’s take into account that I’ve only been “datable” looking (I was really fat before… and still have fat left over, but I’m hoping to get Belt lipectomy sometime within the next year) for say 7 months now. During that time frame I have been working, going out, making “friends”, etc. I have had periods where I was far too busy to concentrate on looking for a boyfriend. Only until recently, did I actively start looking for one. I signed up for Chemistry.com on Christmas Day, and spent $159 for a 6 month membership. Since then I have had not one….not even ONE…person contact me back on there, and apparently I’ve gone so far as exhaust all available “candidates” in San Francisco, that Chemistry is now trying to connect me with people as far away as Sacramento (remember I don’t have a car). 

I really don’t want to be mean sounding, but I can’t stand hearing people say, “Just stop looking and it will happen.” That ISN’T TRUE…and don’t believe it when people tell you it is. If you want something you have to go out of your way to get it yourself. You can’t count on anyone in this world but yourself, and if you want something you must be willing to fight tooth and nail for it.

I’m behind on my cell phone bill 2 months, and have had my cable internet turned off…

Now I am not saying I am responsible with my money. I go out all the time and spend money on doing so. While I don’t go out to eat virtually ever, going out at night can cost a lot over the long haul. Quite honestly I haven’t really purchased any new technology in a long time. Right now I am REALLY wanting an Eee PC 1000HA, as I travel some for work and want something small to take with me, but I can’t afford it right now…and it is only around $400.

I think it is about time to start to get things in line financially. Now I know the best way is to just stop going out and spending money…now if I were to go home every night I would be bored out of my mind and never see my friends. Personally, I know that I couldn’t just sit at home on my ass on a Friday or Saturday night…or any other for that matter…and be happy.

So…what do I do? I think that getting a 2nd job might solve a bunch of problems. It will provide a 2nd source of income, and since I have a M-F 9-5 right now, it will keep me busy at night when I tend to be out spending money. The problem is finding one that I won’t totally hate. Any suggestions are appreciated. One of my favorite ones so far is a barback at a bar that I frequent…which sort of is an interesting idea and sort of not. I don’t want to burn any bridges at a place where I like to spend large amounts of time, so I try to shy away from a 2nd job where if I quit or am fired that I won’t be allowed back…or it would be awkward. I’m looking online, but I think the best way would be to just go out applying. Retail is always easy to get, and with not being able to work during the daytime hours, sometimes that is all that is readily available.

As of today, I am going to go out and start applying a few places and see what if anything pans out…wish me luck.

The title of this post comes from the late Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in California, spoken back in the 70′s and those words stand true nearly 30 years later. As many of you know Proposition 8, which defines marriage between a man and a woman in California passed a week ago. There have been a number of protests in the San Francisco area, as well as other parts of the state, but there is a National Protest this Saturday in EVERY state in the US. Check this site to find out where the protests are happening in your area. Get involved, this isn’t about gay/straight, it is about basic human rights. 

Also, if you haven’t seen it, watch this Special Comment from Keith Olberman on MSNBC on the Prop 8 issue. It is very touching and has brought a tear to many eyes.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChanTFSmqao[/youtube]

“I know that you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And You… And You… And You… Gotta give em hope.” – Harvey Milk

Also, be sure to see Milk on November 26th, which tells the story of Harvey Milk in the neighborhood I call home, The Castro, in San Francisco, California.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW0lQrWn5VI[/youtube]

It was one year ago today when I arrived in San Francisco. It has been quite a journey over the past year. I started off living in my car, having everything I own stolen, getting a job about 25 miles north of the city, moving into an apartment, moving back into my car, moving to the city, coming out, getting a job within a few blocks from my apartment, lost 70 pounds, and having my car get broken into for the 3rd and 4th time where it got stolen and torched. It’s been a rough and very bumpy ride, but I wouldn’t exchange the past year of my life for anything. 

I remember seeing online all the cool events, people, and things to do and see in San Francisco while living back in Tampa Bay, Florida. I was so jealous of all the stuff I was missing out on. San Francisco is the hub of so many things I am passionate about and enjoy it felt like a perfect fit to move out here. I wasn’t working a full time job, just contract jobs and I had nothing really holding me back besides family and 1-2 close friends. I packed up everything I owned into my car, which pretty much was already packed that way..and drove out here a few days after my brother’s wedding. 

Even the trip out here was filled with disasters, but I continued on and made it across the country in about a week, with some stops along the way for a few days here and there. It was a personal experience by myself which I won’t soon forget and I think everyone should do a cross country road trip by yourself at least once. You learn so much about yourself when all you have is 3,000 miles of road in front of you. 

I remember driving over the Bay Bridge when I saw San Francisco (at the time I thought I was crossing the Golden Gate). I got out a dollar in change ready to pay the toll, when to my surprise I saw it was FOUR DOLLARS to get across the bridge. The biggest toll I’ve ever paid is $1 to get across the 5.5 mile Sunshine Skyway bridge. That was the first of MANY sticker shocks I have come across living in this very expensive city. 

It hasn’t been easy at all, but I feel like this is where I was meant to be. I had a dream nightmare dream the other night where I lost everything and was forced to move back to Florida. When I got back to Florida, it didn’t feel like home anymore, and all I could think about was trying to get back here. I woke up upset because I simply didn’t want to leave. 

Along the way, I’ve met so many amazing people and developed some great friendships. Back in Florida I had but one friend who I would ever see and that was quite rarely. Here, there are so many people who I can see out and about and hang out with nearly every night of the week. I’ve always been sort of introverted and never really had a large group of friends who I can count on and talk to. I still don’t quite have that here, but I know a ton of great people who, while even though I may not even have their phone number or go to a movie/dinner with, I know that they are there if I really needed someone. 

That being said, this has been one of the greatest years of my life and I’m happy I can be me. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am able to express myself and live the life I’ve always wanted in a city where I feel at home. There is still so much more to see and do here, and I look forward to many more adventures and friendships along the way…in my new home, San Francisco.

I’ve almost been in San Francisco one year, and this is the only holiday I haven’t celebrated yet in my new home. Come out if you anywhere nearby and celebrate with me and my friends at one of 4…YES 4 birthday celebrations I will be at tonight & Saturday! 

Today September 11th (my 23rd birthday for the 5th time)

First there is Mager’s Birthday Party – His real birthday is on September 10th but we are co-celebrating on the 11th. 
Time: 6:00pm – 9:00pm September 11th
Location: Ducca
Street: 50 3rd St, right between Mission and Market
RSVP: http://tinyurl.com/nicks28Party1

2nd party: The Omnisio Founders (open bar)
Time: 7:00pm – 10:00pm September 11th
Location: Pink
Street: 2925 16th Street
RSVP: http://tinyurl.com/nicks28

3rd party: Nick’s Official Party
Time: 10:00pm – 2:00am, September 11th
Location: Badlands
Street: 4121 18th St
This is the one you SHOULD come to! Its going to be all of my friends coming out and celebrating and just having a good time drinking and dancing. 
RSVP: http://tinyurl.com/Nick28Badlands

Saturday – The recovery
4th Party: The Mimosa Factory
Time: 10:00am – 5:00pm Saturday September 13th
Location: Sugar Cafe
Street: 679 Sutter
RSVP: http://tinyurl.com/MimosaParty
This is the official calm after the storm party. Come and chill out and enjoy $10 unlimited mimosas as we invade this amazing space for drinks, brunch and a great time. 

I’d love to see you at one, two or all four of the events!!!

Download the show here!

I first met Fausto Fernós & Marc Felion of the Feast of Fools at the second podcast expo where I briefly said hi. I was very much in the closet at the time so I didn’t want people to see me talking with them. How ironic that I would be outed to some of my best friends at the time, Dawn and Drew, during that trip.

We hung out quite a bit more at the 3rd podcast expo a year ago. It was a week after I moved to San Francisco and was on the way to being able to be more myself and express who I was. I had a great time hanging with them and was there for a great cake sitting video with their hot fan Jonathan.

We then hung out at The Stud in San Francisco a few days after the expo for a live show. I was given a free pass from Curtis Jensen to Steamworks, one of the sponsors of the Feast of Fools show. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time but eventually decided to check out the club.

Thru the Feast of Fools and Curtis being there I learned about Steamworks, which is now the company I work for, and have for the past 3 months now. I was able to come out under my own terms 3 months ago and feel better about myself, and life. I am free to finally be myself.

Since then a lot has happened….It was great to be able to hang out with Fausto & Marc in Vegas at the 4th annual New Media Expo (formerly podcast expo). We recorded a show and discussed being outted 2 years ago by Nobody Likes Onions, depression and my suicide attempt on Twitter, and the future of podcasts and online communities.

Here is the invite code for Ping.fm which I mentioned towards the end of the show: vivalaping

It is a great listen as I think there are quite a few unanswered questions about me and who Nick Starr really is. If you are in the San Francisco area make sure to head out to Meet & Greet in San Francisco  (Pilsner Inn) with Peaches Christ on Thursday, August 21, 2008 • 7-10pm 225 Church Street, San Francisco, CA, and donate to their travel fund.

Download the show here!

Feb 2005

First off I started as most people do at New Year’s thinking to myself that I would love to shed some extra pounds. My friend (at the time) Billy and I were hanging out and going to the gym. He told me he wanted to lose weight in time for Pride, which I had no idea about at that time. Pride in San Francisco is the last weekend in June, which put the goal about 6 months out. I figured this was a good goal to set and decided on 165-160 as my goal. Quite lofty for a guy in his 200′s, but something to strive for.

Feb 2006

Before this I was doing a high carb; low fat diet. I would eat all the foods I wanted as long as there was little to no fat in them. Pretty much my diet consisted of beans & rice. While this diet might of been effective for some, it wasn’t working for me very well.

May 2006

I decided to go with an old diet I had done in the past with mild success. I got down to about 185 with it before and figured I would give it a full go this time. It isn’t the Atkins diet and it isn’t the South Beach diet, but somewhere in between. (Let me also interject here that I drink a SHITLOAD of water every day. While I do still occasionally drink diet soda, I make sure to have at least 9-10 8oz glasses of Voss water a day.)

Sept 2006

Breakfast: I would eat depending on time (which most days was very little) an Atkins breakfast bar or shake shortly after waking up (6am-8am). These chocolate shakes turn out to be pretty yummy. If I had more time, I would fix up about 2 eggs as scrambled or over medium. When I got to work, I would microwave 2-4 pieces of precooked bacon as a 9am-10am snack.

March 2007

Snack: If I got hungry outside of the bacon, I would have a string cheese. Cheese turned out to be one of the best snacks for me, as it is something I love, but also is very low in carbs. I would get 50% reduced fat cheese and other low-fat cheese to help reduce the daily fat intake.

June 2007

Lunch: Now let me explain that I am very much a meat and potatoes person. I don’t like most vegetables, fruits, salads, etc. I am one of the pickiest eaters I’ve ever met. My lunch would consist of 2 turkey sausages or 2-3 turkey hot dogs. I would microwave them for about 30-45 seconds, then pull them out and slice them down the middle. Pour my favorite condiment of the day on, then finish cooking.

Sept 2007 (I didn’t eat anything for 3 weeks)

Here is a HUGE tip…these meals are quite repetitive, at least they were for me. Here’s the tip on mixing them up. SPICES & SAUCES! Every day I would pick a different spice, mustard, etc to put on my meals to help mix things up and keep the tastes different. I love Emril’s Essence, Boar’s head spicy mustard, and low-carb/reduced sugar Heinz ketchup. BTW be careful with mustard, almost all of them are zero carbs, but once you start getting into honey mustards the carbs rack up quickly.

Sept 2007 (Obviously started eating again)

Snack: In the afternoon I would grab another string cheese or more often a sugar free Jello. Throw on a dollop of light whipped cream (0-2 carbs) and you have a yummy and low-carb snack.

November 2007

Snack: Between leaving work and dinner I would sometimes have a snack. It might of been a carrot, piece of cheese, or Atkins bar (which are going up in price recently, but still worth buying to help fight those chocolate/sugary cravings).

December 2007

Dinner: Being new to California and not used to the expensive cost of living, I would stay clear of eating out as much as possible. Instead I would buy frozen or raw chicken breasts and cook them up at home. There are plenty of great zero/low carb dressings to marinade your chicken in. This is where spices would play a huge factor as well. Every night a different spice or different sauce to pour on. I would occasionally eat a helping of cooked broccoli (with melted cheese on top) to round out my dinner and keep me from being hungry the rest of the night.

Feb 2008

Here is the key though…as much as diet played a factor….EXERCISE is what helped me lose the weight. I would go to the gym, even if I didn’t want to 3-6 times a week and do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. I would go and work on some of the equipment as well, and always do at least 100-200 crunches. It wasn’t an intense workout, but I would maintain certain goals while on the elliptical.

April 2008

Working out became something that I looked forward to (so cliche I know), but it is true. I would typically go after work, but have recently started toning up more and doing more machines, so I go in the morning to do weights and still do my cardio on the way home from work.

May 2008

I also for a large portion of the diet have taken Alli. It is one of the first OTC diet/weightloss drugs the FDA has approved. It has some crazy “treatment effects” which I am glad to say I never had, but with the wrong intake of fat you are in for some nasty times. I would take one pill with each meal. Alli isn’t the answer for everyone, but it does help eliminate up to 25% of the fat put into your body while eating.

June 2008

That’s about it….diet, exercise, and Alli were the main secrets to my success. I am still not exactly where I want to be and with such rapid and dramatic weight loss I have some left over areas I am trying to tone up now. Am I where I want to be? No way…Don’t get me wrong, I love the new me and feel great as I went from a size 36 to 34 to 33 to 32/31 and now to 31/30. I just want to feel more comfortable nekkid and specifically with my shirt off. I am sure that I will get there with time and effort.

July 2008

I hope this helps you, I know this plan isn’t right of everyone, but being a very picky eater I think I can maintain the diet for sometime to come…as long as they keep slaughtering those stupid chickens, I will be sure to have them for dinner.

When I was in Toronto, I couldn’t help notice that I still am not where I want to be with my body, and personally with my life. My room (and this is no shocker to anyone who has known me) is quite messy…I still haven’t really unpacked things after moving in a few months ago. Financially, quite honestly I am not well off at all. Finally, physically I want to be….and this is a major thing for me…able to take off my shirt and not be embarrassed or scared.

Ever since I was a little child, I can remember my mom going and picking out the “husky” sized jeans for me to wear. I for an entire summer didn’t eat very much in high school, and dropped to the weight in the picture above. That was my junior year of high school…and I had girlfriend after girlfriend. I felt confident and good about how I looked.

Now that I am down to the weight I want to be at, I would like to start working on more then simply cardio and a little weights. I want to tone up, as I am now left with the flab of a former 220 lb frame. My tummy still sticks out some, my arms are flabby and not muscular at all. Now I HATE physical labor and working out…so this is going to be a HUGE challenge for me.

I am going to with everything in me start working out on a bi-daily basis. I will do weights & gym equipment in the morning, followed by my standard 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. I also want to incorporate maybe another 30 minutes on an exercise bike to make my cardio up to an hour long. Also doing crunches every time I am at the gym should help work my stomach out.

Now I mentioned before that I am not good with money. I spend it like it is going out of style, so getting a personal trainer is a priority for me, but I want to make sure that I am secure financially first.

Finally, my room. I am going to, after working out tonight, start to clean up. It is quite a mess, and I have 2 cabinets that are still not put together. Like I said, I hate HATE HATE cleaning…so it is going to be quite a task. I also think I want to get rid of my queen sized Aero bed, as it takes up a large majority of my room. I’m thinking a futon might be a better and more reliable choice, and will take up quite a bit less space.

I think with a cleaner room, it will help motivate me to be less lazy and be happier….being around a mess can be depressing, especially when you know you “should” clean it up.

I want to blog more, I just feel like I am short on time. I think getting my life into more of a pattern and schedule will help me. I am not good at sticking to things…AT ALL, so maybe some structure will help me out.

BTW I don’t want to set any hard and fast goals on this one, but I would like to be able to post a picture with no shirt on by the end of the year, and be comfortable with it.