29 Jun 09 “It’s A Good Thing You Did It While You Are Young”
Those are the words I heard the plastic surgeon said Friday when I went for my consult. I explained that I had lost 100lbs starting January 2008 and got to 160 by Pride (end of June) last year, and have maintained a weight in the 150-140s ever since then. He explained that it was a good thing that I lost the weight when my body is still young enough to heal and not be so stretched out.
If I would of let myself go and not lost the weight when I did, I might be left with more extreme measures, but as it turns out my procedure won’t even be THAT major. Now any time you go under the knife it is a big and life threatening experience, but I don’t need a a belt lipectomy, I just need a simple tummy tuck. The surgeon will remove an amount of skin from the top of my belly button down to my public hair from hip bone to hip bone. The skin from my chest will then be pulled down and reattached to the lower part, thus making a flatter, tighter toroso.
Sounds sort of painful, but it is something that I’ve wanted for years.
I explained where I work and what I wanted out of the procedure. He even tried to explain to me that if I got lipo on my sides and chest that the results would be less than desirable and I would end up with flappy areas of skin. I was shocked that he wasn’t trying to “upsell” me, but rather turned me away with good reason on certain procedures.
The cost for this surgery will be signifigantly less than the full lower body lift I had origionally thought of. He is going to mail me a full quote, and I am going to see another few doctors for other opinions, but he extimated his fee at $5,000, the hospital fee of $1,300 plus $300/hour, and the anesthesiologist fee of $150/hour. I am thinking the cost will be around $7,000-$9,000 (which seems to be the average on most local doctor’s sites I’ve seen).
I still don’t have the funds for the surgery, and with my paycheck as it is this week, and with all the Pride activities, iPhone 3GS purchase, etc I won’t be able to afford my rent this month, so my plans of moving out are unchanged. In order to save up the needed $7,000 minimum, I estimate 3 1/2 months if I didn’t spend a single dime, but more likely 5-6 months living without an apartment. 
Any help that you can provide will be appreciated. I will have donation buttons on the site soon, and if you have a sleeping bag, pillow, side project, part time job, an Atkins friendly meal, or place to let me crash for a night or two it would be GREATLY appreciated. It is going to be a long ~6 months, but I hope to make the best of it, and can’t wait to see the results of my dedication and efforts. The doctor took before shots, and I will see about taking some myself and posting the progress.
I also will be working out quite a bit more, and concentrating on my upper chest to get that in a presentable condition so that by the time I have my surgery I will feel comfortable with my shirt off at the beach, pool, or at some circuit party. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Gus Presents Underworld party (I have a huge underwear fettish), but been too scared to with my current looks. Underworld will be the first event I go to post surgery healing with my new toroso. I am so excited and can’t wait for what the future has in store.
P.S. The picture of the before/after is not me, but a picture from the surgeon I saw today’s site.
Tags: abdomenplasty, lipo, plastic surgery, surgery, tummy tuck, weightloss
22 Jun 09 “You Don’t Need Surgery, You Need Therapy”
How many freaking times am I going to have to hear this? From people on Facebook, Twitter, in person, on here…etc. It literally makes me upset when people say this. Let me explain why for those of you who OBVIOUSLY don’t know me.
My ENTIRE life I have been overweight, fat, picked on, teased, mocked, etc. My parents in 2nd grade started to take me to a therapist to talk about the bullies at school. This was not the first nor the last time I was in a shrink’s chair.
Throughout grade school I saw another doctor or two for talk therapy…the only thing which stopped the bullies and the people picking on me was moving to a school where no one knew me, and I could start over fresh.
After high school I became even more suicidal and depressed. I moved to Alabama with this girl I was seeing, but didn’t really like when I was around age 21. When we separated and she stole all the money out of my bank account, I walked in front of a Semi only to be saved by my room mate. My parents came up and brought me back home to stay with them. A few days later my mom tells me that she called bill collectors and made payment arrangements for me…something I didn’t ask her to do, nor did I ever plan on paying them back. I didn’t know what to say so I gave her the silent treatment on the ride home from work.
She called both my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started to see and they had me put in the mental ward as they thought I had blanked out like I did when I walked in front of the semi. I hadn’t and was just mad at my mom…now was even more pissed b/c she got me locked up for about 3 weeks.
This wasn’t the first nor the last trip to the mental ward. There were numerous trips over the next few months & years. I saw more doctors outside of the hospital…I tried so many combinations of pills all of which had no effect on me or my mental state. Talk therapy didn’t work…locking me up didn’t work (I literally escaped on 2 or 3 occasions…once I got so far as to hop in a cab in the hospital parking lot, but the rush of hospital workers pouring out of the hospital to try to get me stopped the cabbie.)
I have been so screwed up for my entire life. Hell the New York Times even published a story of my suicidal ideations in relation to Twitter. I’ve been in and out of mental wards, in and out of so many doctors couches for therapy my entire life…it just doesn’t help.
Since moving to San Francisco and being able to feel free about who I am and come out, I have been healthier…mentally and physically. I lost 100lbs since I moved out here and have really only had one major suicidal outbreak, although the thought still plagues my thoughts most nights. 
As I mentioned before…as long as I knew of such a thing, I wanted weight loss surgery. I LOST 100 POUNDS ON MY OWN…BY GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING RIGHT. I am sick of people telling me, “just go to the gym” or “just eat right” …I FUCKING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 100 pounds of weight loss to prove it you assholes. I now also have skin left over from being overweight my entire fucking life. I want to get rid of that, and I need to (both for my physical state, but also for my mental state).
So don’t fucking tell me to just go to the gym or start dieting…I have…and don’t tell me to just seek help…it doesn’t work. I will live my own life, you live yours.
Tags: insane, mental, mental ward, pills, psychiatrist, psychologist, shrink, therapy, weight loss
19 Jun 09 Sometimes Diet Isn’t Enough
As long as I can remember…which more likely the first I had ever heard of it, I’ve always wanted to have liposuction. Growing up I never fit in the regular sized clothes…I remember my mom buying me size huskies. In 4th grade I got a new notepad which said, “lil chubby” on the front since it was small and thick…and showed it to my teacher, who literally said, “a fat little notebook for a fat little kid.”
That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.
I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).
Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.
I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.
I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…
I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.
This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.
Tags: body tuck, fat, full body tuck, Homeless, lipo, liposuction, overweight, san francisco, sf, tummy tuck
19 May 09 One Year Later…
It was one year ago that I came out. I was about to have my first day at my new job working in the heart of The Castro district in San Francisco and I couldn’t have been more nervous. Hitting the publish button last year was the scarriest day I can remember. It also turned out to be one of the best days of my life. So much great feedback from people on here, Twitter, Facebook, all over the web, and in real life as well.
One year later I couldn’t even imagine going back to being in the closet. It was such a liberating feeling. My family was accepting, my friends were accepting, and I think that the country has become more accepting. Every few weeks there are news stories about other states lifting gay marriage bans. It is really an amazing time to be living in for people in the community.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbWDNM0wuAc[/youtube]
I can’t say that everything the past year was easy, but I’ve been a happier and healthier person. I used to experience severe fits of depression, and they are very few and far between now, and less severe. I’m still keeping the weight off which I lost last year. I am just healthier than I’ve ever been in most of my life, mentally and physically.
I still haven’t found a relationship or a really close friend, but I think I am becoming better friends with the ones I have, and I dated someone for the first time in over 7 years. I’m sure happiness and love will come in time, until then just ignore my rants on Twiter about love not existing. 
If you are thinking about coming out…do so. It will be one of the best things you could ever do. I haven’t regretted doing it for a moment.
Tags: closet, come out, coming out, gay, gay marriage, relationships, the castro
06 Feb 09 I Need An Allowance
I really wish I had someone who could manage all of my money (there isn’t much) for me and put the money I can afford to spend into a seperate account. Those type of people often cost money, and since I’m not talking about very much, it is tough to find someone to do that for cheap.
That being said, what is the average amount or percent which I should set aside for myself? Right now I estimate that after bills, not including food, I have around $1300 extra a month left over. I just got my tax return, so I am in the green right now (although it might be going towards a deposit on a new apartment). I would like to set aside $250 into a seperate savings account, which is already setup through work, but I always end up needing to pull it every paycheck. Now that I am ahead right now, I am going to try to build that up.
So with food costs being miniminal…I maybe spend a few hundred a month on food. With the $250 savings, and lets say food is another $250, I have around $800 per month in which I can “play with.” A night out typically consists of pulling $40 out of the ATM, and spending most, but never all of it. Going out on JUST Friday & Saturday every week is about $320. I typically go out on Thursdays and often Sundays as well. With all of that, it brings my total to $640 on going out…..only $160 left of my disposable income.
Ugh…I think I need a second job.
19 Jan 09 “Sometimes You Just Need To Stop Looking”
FUCK YOU! (I don’t want to sound so mean at the beginning of the post, but please read on…I have a logical explanation to why I feel this way) Anyone who sends me this message of “sometimes you need to stop looking for a relationship” can …well you get the point. I hear this message EVERY single time I complain about being single. Let me see if I can explain a little history here, and afterwards I don’t EVER EVER EVER want to hear another person say this to me AGAIN!
I have been single since 2002, when I was dating this girl (yes a girl) who was married and had children, but was in the beginning stages of a divorce. It was a VERY messy breakup, and things went horrifically wrong. The girl and I were ….well let me explain this first. I am VERY codependent. In this girlfriend I found someone who was like me in more ways than I ever imagined possible. Ultimately it didn’t work out, and we separated. I moved back to Florida and moved on with my life.
Before 2002 and this girlfriend, not during, but after the breakup I have been attracted to men and gone on to do things with other guys. This is really no secret, but the entire time which I have been attracted to guys, not ONCE have I had a boyfriend. Now the last relationship was in 2002. Here is where I get pissed off when people say, “Sometimes you need to stop looking.” Since 2002….SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, I have gone through periods of REALLY doing anything I could to get in a relationship, and MANY times where I just couldn’t be bothered with one. Hell I lived in my car for over a year, and that entire time there was no way that I was looking for a relationship. So…by your “logic” when I’m not looking I am bound to find a relationship…WRONG!
Okay, let’s take into account that I’ve only been “datable” looking (I was really fat before… and still have fat left over, but I’m hoping to get Belt lipectomy sometime within the next year) for say 7 months now. During that time frame I have been working, going out, making “friends”, etc. I have had periods where I was far too busy to concentrate on looking for a boyfriend. Only until recently, did I actively start looking for one. I signed up for Chemistry.com on Christmas Day, and spent $159 for a 6 month membership. Since then I have had not one….not even ONE…person contact me back on there, and apparently I’ve gone so far as exhaust all available “candidates” in San Francisco, that Chemistry is now trying to connect me with people as far away as Sacramento (remember I don’t have a car).
I really don’t want to be mean sounding, but I can’t stand hearing people say, “Just stop looking and it will happen.” That ISN’T TRUE…and don’t believe it when people tell you it is. If you want something you have to go out of your way to get it yourself. You can’t count on anyone in this world but yourself, and if you want something you must be willing to fight tooth and nail for it.
04 Jan 09 Dinner, Water, & Diet Coke
Last night this guy who I’ve sort of known off and on for a little while now asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. We had sort of tentatively made plans to go out for drinks the night before, but I ended up in Berkeley Friday night with other friends, and couldn’t make it. I suggest this place in The Castro called Brandy Ho’s around 8pm (btw not a good idea for a dinner if you are going to be out all night, as it sets heavy on your stomach). The conversation was great and we had a good time getting to know each other.
My friend Martina and I were talking earlier in the day when I was deciding if I wanted to go. I sort of thought the guy was attractive, but felt like I might be forcing myself to like him if things didn’t go well because I want a relationship, or as Marcus says, “I’m relationship orientated.” Actually Marcus said that about Andy (the guy from last night).
After dinner we go to The Mix and it is really loud. I’m getting over a cold and with the loud noise, I had to speak louder then normal, and wound up nearly losing my voice by the end of the night. Here at The Mix is where things started to go downhill. He would mention this guy or that guy was hot, and I sort of just brushed it off, or was like, oh yeah I guess…. Well this didn’t stop there.
Oh let me explain the title of this post. I sort of went off my diet between Christmas day and New Year’s…so I decided to re-start the induction phase of Atkins, which means no more then 20 carbs a day, and no BAD carbs..aka beer. I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol at all, and can only barely stand the taste of beer & wine, so when I go out that is what I drink. I haven’t had a drink in about a week now, so I’ve been drinking diet coke and water when I go out.
We head to The Lookout for Social Club and blow right by the $4 cover as we were on the list and knew the promoter. Some other friends were there including Marcus, Aaron, and a number of other people. Andy is drinking vodka cran’s all night and I don’t mind while I’m drinking my waters and diet cokes. It was very busy at The Lookout with tons of hot guys, and Andy kept pointing that out.
Subplot: I ran into this guy at The Lookout who I apparently I had spoken with during a party at The Castro Street Fair. I unfortunately couldn’t remember him, but we talked for a few minutes and he seemed like a really nice guy…and cute.
Andy late in the night (around 1am) tells me he wants to go to Badlands because…AND I QUOTE, “I can tell I am not going to meet anyone here tonight.” Now here is where the evening really took a turn for the worse. Marcus had asked me when we go to The Lookout how it was going, 1 being OMG AMAZING, and 5 being shoot me now. I said 2 at the time…once Andy said this, I texted Marcus and said that the evening, “turned into a 4.”
We head to Badlands and it is packed, but not nearly as many hot guys. Andy gets pretty drunk at this point…while I’m drinking my water…and by the end of the night wants to dance…I barely dance when I’m drunk…sober, not going to happen. I go out to the dance area and stand there while he dances a bit, then sees a guy and goes over to start talking him up. I think the night is pretty much at level 5 now. He does a shot at last call and some guy buys him another one right after that. Him and this other guy (not even the one he was talking to) are now DRUNK.
Back to the subplot: While I was walking out, the guy from The Lookout was leaving Badlands as well. We talk for a bit and he says, “enjoy later tonight.” I explain to him that there I am going home alone tonight..and won’t be going home with Andy whatsoever. He says he is too, now we are being shuffled out the door, and I jokingly say, “oh really? Where do you live?” He was already out the door and I really had to go to the bathroom so I run back and go….STUPID ME! I should of gone out side and at least gotten his number. He was with this other guy all night, and I guess they were just friends by his last comment. I didn’t realize that until then, hence why I wasn’t more outgoing earlier. Hopefully I will see this guy again….
Well after I leave the bathroom I see Andy and this other drunk guy still inside. I am outside now, trying to find the guy who I was was mentioned in the subplot. I see the 33 bus coming and realize it will take me 3 blocks from home…it is REALLY cold last night and I didn’t feel like walking the 1 mile home, so I run to catch the bus and head home.
Andy texts me asking where I was…I said I was heading home…It seemed like I was a fall back if he didn’t find someone else. I didn’t really like that feeling, and while my actions with subplot guy were friendly, they weren’t out of line like the comments Andy was making all night.
He texted me this morning, and literally 10 seconds ago asking what I was up to. I think I’m going to hit up the gym then who knows what. I am sort of proud of myself that I didn’t say, ehh it is just sex and go home with Andy anyway.
Well…until my next “dinner” I guess…although they are unfortunately too few and far between.
Tags: andy, badlands, brandy ho, dinner, gay, marcus, night out, out, sf, social club, the castro, the lookout
